Homeschooling has always something I've been passionate about--the various reasons morphed over the years. It fit us, and our nomadic lifestyle. I had a really strong willed kid that I knew needed extra shaping. God flat-out told me to do it. And I soon grew to love it.
I loved teaching them. I loved our life-pace. I loved that we could support Eric in his career. And move around the world. TWICE. Though I never thought we did enough, we really did do enough. (more on this later.) I loved allowing the girls to grow up together--not always segregated by age-based classrooms.
One aspect of homeschooling I really struggle with was that I didn't always feel like I was 'worth' very much as a homeschool Mom. I was career-less, wage-less, and status-less. So, to help buoy my self-image (and I wish I had had more spiritual maturity to not need this...) I convinced myself that 'my sacrifice' would be worth it if I could produce 'perfect kids'. I had this idea in my mind that BECAUSE I was homeschooling, and expending all of that effort, time, and money, that it would be an equation that would look like this: Kore's effort + good books = spiritually onfire kids who change the world. I'm pretty sure I even said OUTLOUD that I was doing this to produce the above.
And then we moved to Utah, in the throes of the teen years, after two years of bouncing back and forth overseas, and then 2 years of unemployment.. We unpacked the boxes, hung pictures, and then I proceeded to have a serious mental breakdown. Eric still doesn't understand why this happened when everything was o.k, and I don't know why, either.
But Utah was hard. I was alone and lonely. People are different here. I believed at the time that I would
never fit in. I couldn't find our homeschool support--so essential in the teen years. My strong willed one was rejecting me on all fronts. My 'refuses to do any work unless I hold her hand' one...wasn't doing any work, because I couldn't hold her hand. All I could do was get out of bed each day (barely), breath, eat(barely) and sleep. Since we were not willing to let the girls suffer educationally, and because I could see no way to suceed at homeschooling in this wierd place...we put them in public school.
And no one died.
But I've had a lot of time to think this past year. I've mourned. I've studied. I've grown. And I found my mental marbles again, up on a mountain with 3 dogs and the occasional deer. I also found the homeschool support that I was looking for in 2010, in a great church...full of, you guessed it, homeschoolers. By this point, however, it's too late. I've learned enough about myself to know that it is time to leave homeschooling behind.
So I was sitting by this gal at church one day who has more energy in her left pinky than I have in my entire body, and when she learned that I was a 'homeschooler' (but before I was able to interject that we weren't any more) wanted to talk shop. And it was in this conversation that I realized how wrong I had been about the whole thing and didn't even know it. I was sitting there, looking at MYSELF 5 years ago, seeing the Kore that believed that I had wrangled some guarantee out of God because of my noble sacrifices as a homeschool Mom.
See, folks. God made our kids to follow HIM, not us. He made them and created them with a will and a nature all their own, so they could follow HIS ways, not ours. I had this confused. I am not selfish person, but I for sure had mixed up who is God and who is NOT.
Yes. We should train up our children in the way they should go. But HE directs it. I feel such a relief to not be carrying this burden anymore. It frees me up to just plain love my girls.
Would I change anything? No. Am I still a bit sad at the loss? Absolutely. I see pictures of my old group in Greeley--kids are pairing off, there is such rich heritage and history there. Jeremiah 29:11 says "For I know the plans I have for you,"...and we all know that verse. But it also says that we are to seek the peace and prosperity of the city to which he has carried us into exile. That we are to pray to the Lord for it because if IT prospers, so will we. I am in a place of such trusting now--of being dependent on HIM instead of myself. We live in a big, new place...and we are prospering. I won't look back, because I am living in the place I've been carried to.
On to the bragging:
Joelle's 1st day of 10th grade
Joelle achieved a 3.89, played Volleyball, received an award for a great book she wrote, made LOTS of great friends, made some terrible enemies, and was well loved by her teachers. She was known by her teachers as a very mature thinker--and an incredibly engaged student. She will be going to a different school this next year, called Maeser, which is more inline with our Sonlight/well trained mind method of schooling that she grew up with, and has uniforms. (dad is relieved at that one, lol). She is very, very blond, but not in anyway brainless. She is thinking a lot about her future, and wants to either go into international law, or teaching internationally.
Sabrina's 1st day of 9th grade.
Sabrina skipped 8th grade to move on to 9th this past year. She passed every class. :) She learned how to work on her own, and to keep her own schedule (I didn't say what kind of schedule. It mostly involved 2am). She is well loved in school, and in fact, her excessive socialization drove me mad. She is adept at things now that I had not been able to convince her to learn--typing, word docs, powerpoint, ect. Her jump into the world of technology was astounding. We loved her school, and if she does not get into Maeser, will attend OpenHigh again. She also received a national runners up award for a science project she did with two other girls called 'EcyberMission'. She's a bright, bright girl! She really wants a bunny, and we said if she gets straight A's, she can have one. She spent all of finals week mumbling "I am SO not going to get a bunny." I am relieved. :)
I am happy to have them both home for the summer, and next year, we will have a 3rd teenager come live with us from China.
