I have something brewing in my heart

Homeschooling has always something I've been passionate about--the various reasons morphed over the years.  It fit us, and our nomadic lifestyle.  I had a really strong willed kid that I knew needed extra shaping.  God flat-out told me to do it.  And I soon grew to love it.

I loved teaching them.  I loved our life-pace.  I loved that we could support Eric in his career. And move around the world. TWICE.  Though I never thought we did enough, we really did do enough. (more on this later.)  I loved allowing the girls to grow up together--not always segregated by age-based classrooms.

One aspect of homeschooling I really struggle with was that I  didn't always feel like I was 'worth' very much as a homeschool Mom.  I was career-less, wage-less, and status-less.  So, to help buoy my self-image (and I wish I had had more spiritual maturity to not need this...) I convinced myself that 'my sacrifice' would be worth it if I could produce 'perfect kids'.  I had this idea in my mind that BECAUSE I was homeschooling, and expending all of that effort, time, and money, that it would be an equation that would look like this: Kore's effort + good books = spiritually onfire kids who change the world.  I'm pretty sure I even said OUTLOUD that I was doing this to produce the above.

And then we moved to Utah, in the throes of the teen years, after two years of bouncing back and forth overseas, and then 2 years of unemployment.. We unpacked the boxes, hung pictures, and then I proceeded to have a serious mental breakdown.  Eric still doesn't understand why this happened when everything was o.k, and  I don't know why, either.
But Utah was hard.  I was alone and lonely.  People are different here.  I believed at the time that I would never fit in.   I couldn't find our homeschool support--so essential in the teen years.  My strong willed one was rejecting me on all fronts.  My 'refuses to do any work unless I hold her hand' one...wasn't doing any work, because I couldn't hold her hand.  All I could do was get out of bed each day (barely), breath, eat(barely) and sleep. Since we were not willing to let the girls suffer educationally, and because I could see no way to suceed at homeschooling in this wierd place...we put them in public school.

And no one died.

But I've had a lot of time to think this past year.  I've mourned.  I've studied.  I've grown.  And I found my mental marbles again, up on a mountain with 3 dogs and the occasional deer.  I also found the homeschool support that I was looking for in 2010, in a great church...full of, you guessed it, homeschoolers.  By this point, however, it's too late.  I've learned enough about myself to know that it is time to leave homeschooling behind.
So I was sitting by this gal at church one day who has more energy in her left pinky than I have in my entire body, and when she learned that I was a 'homeschooler' (but before I was able to interject that we weren't any more) wanted to talk shop.  And it was in this conversation that I realized how wrong I had been about the whole thing and didn't even know it.  I was sitting there, looking at MYSELF 5 years ago, seeing the Kore that believed that I had wrangled some guarantee out of God because of my noble sacrifices as a homeschool Mom.

See, folks.  God made our kids to follow HIM, not us.  He made them and created them with a will and a nature all their own, so they could follow HIS ways, not ours.  I had this confused.  I am not selfish person, but I for sure had mixed up who is God and who is NOT.
 Yes.  We should train up our children in the way they should go.  But HE directs it.  I feel such a relief to not be carrying this burden anymore.  It frees me up to just plain love my girls.

Would I change anything?  No.  Am I still a bit sad at the loss?  Absolutely.   I see pictures of my old group in Greeley--kids are pairing off, there is such rich heritage and history there.  Jeremiah 29:11 says "For I know the plans I have for you,"...and we all know that verse.  But it also says that we are to seek the peace and prosperity of the city to which he has carried us into exile.  That we are to pray to the Lord for it because if IT prospers, so will we.  I am in a place of such trusting now--of being dependent on HIM instead of myself.   We live in a big, new place...and we are prospering.  I won't look back, because I am living in the place I've been carried to.

On to the bragging: Joelle's 1st day of 10th grade

 Joelle achieved a 3.89, played Volleyball, received an award for a great book she wrote, made LOTS of great friends, made some terrible enemies, and was well loved by her teachers.  She was known by her teachers as a very mature thinker--and an incredibly engaged student.  She will be going to a different school this next year, called Maeser, which is more inline with our Sonlight/well trained mind method of schooling that she grew up with, and has uniforms. (dad is relieved at that one, lol).  She is very, very blond, but not in anyway brainless.  She is thinking a lot about her future, and wants to either go into international law, or teaching internationally.


Sabrina's 1st day of 9th grade.

Sabrina skipped 8th grade to move on to 9th this past year.  She passed every class. :)  She learned how to work on her own, and to keep her own schedule (I didn't say what kind of schedule.  It mostly involved 2am).  She is well loved in school, and in fact, her excessive socialization drove me mad.  She is adept at things now that I had not been able to convince her to learn--typing, word docs, powerpoint, ect.  Her jump into the world of technology was astounding.  We loved her school, and if she does not get into Maeser, will attend OpenHigh again.  She also received a national runners up award for a science project she did with two other girls called 'EcyberMission'.  She's a bright, bright girl!  She really wants a bunny, and we said if she gets straight A's, she can have one.  She spent all of finals week mumbling "I am SO not going to get a bunny."  I am relieved.  :)
I am happy to have them both home for the summer, and next year, we will have a 3rd teenager come live with us from China.

Prom!

Having girls is so fun!  Since I've not had boys, I'm sure that I don't know how fun THEY can be...but well, shopping and buying dresses and watching your beautiful little girls grow into lovely young women is fun!

Sabrina's prom came 1st.  Bria attends an online highschool--it is a trully groundbreaking school here in Utah--not your normal online school.  They have all sorts of social gatherings, including Prom.

Isn't she beautiful?  She's really a sweet and kind person too!

One of the benefits of the unique Utah culture is teens don't date until 16--which is GREAT.  Bria went with a group of girls and had a great time.  I am really not ready for her to date!

A few weeks later, Joelle had her prom.  Another fun part of Utah culture is how the young men ask the young ladies to prom--it's a really big deal.  Here's a picture of how Joelle was asked.

It says 'To find out who asked you to prom, wash this shirt.  It drove Joelle crazy having to wait.  I know for a fact that the young man who asked her KNEW this would drive her crazy!  (by the way, Joelle is in volleyball attire after school, in case you're wondering. haha.)

The back of the shirt has a list of boys names.  I was happy that I would be fine with any of these potential dates for her!
Joelle was a serious stinker about letting me take pictures of her dressed for prom.  I think next time I'll make up a contract that says something about if I buy the dress, I get pictures!  She let Bria take some, and luckily, I stole them to my picasa. ;)

Joelle went on a double date with a young man named Spencer, and another couple.  I think they had a great time!  Here are the pictures I forced her to pose for. :)

Fun times!  I get to do this at least 3 more times!!

Hung with a new rope or something like that, Dad would say...

There's just no making me happy. The other day I was longing for a quiet house...some time to myself...and today I had some of that. I also completely wasted it, doing the following:

Joelle decided to ride her bike to Paul Mitchell's to pay for her own hair cut. Instead of being happy that she is gaining independence and spending her own money and not mine, I worried, because she was gone so long...despite the fact that I know it takes a full 2 hours to get a haircut at Paul Mitchells.

Sabrina is at Camp. She's out of cell phone range. I don't, in fact, even know where she is, as I didn't drop her off. So instead of rejoicing that she didn't even look back as she drove off, and that she has made some truly lifetime friends here in Utah...the kind of friends that she'll sleep in a tent with for a couple of days and still like... I INSTEAD spent some really productive time worrying about her also.

And then there's Eric(in this sideways picture that I'm too lazy to rotate...)

He is out tonight, leading a presentation and a business project and eating dinner with vips... being awesome in general. But instead of being happy about this, and thankful that he has a job, and happy for him that he's actually beginning to do things at work that aren't 'boring', I kept thinking about all the things I needed from him to do and help me with.

Then I felt very lonely and realized that it isn't going to be all that far away when we have an empty house and I started wondering what on earth I was going to do with myself. I don't know yet. But I know that I really didn't enjoy that alone time that I was pining for the other day.

To everything there is a season. And instead of always wanting something I don't have at the moment...I should probably learn to appreciate what I have, when I have it!

Big changes coming!

Well--it is still my New Year's resolution to write on our blog often and interestingly. Obviously, I tend to be a little ambitious in my resolutions. ;) I also really want to learn how to download and organize our pictures. (gasp)

As the sun is coming out (at 9am at my house. we live at the foot of a mountain...)more and more, I'm finding my hope and energy for life skyrocketing. I really love feeling like I am in my Father God's hand--right where He has placed me. I am really beginning to enjoy the relationships that are sprouting up in my life. I feel useful, needed, and fullfilled! Lots of feelings, eh?

Anyhow--big changes are headed to the Miller house. Joelle will be headed to Highschool at Merit next year. Merit is a small charter highschool in Springville. She has wanted to 'go to school' for awhile...and Eric and I think this is a great opportunity for her to learn educational independence. Sad to be losing my first student--but I am SO PROUD of her strong desire to grow up and be responsible for her education. I think she will really enjoy High school, but I will miss her!

Sabrina is ready for some changes, too. Her main desire was to bump up a grade. Since Bria was born a micropreemie at 2 lbs, and was essentially unable to see at all due to severe ambliopia until she was 5, we have always thought it best to keep her as one of the older kids in her class. This really began to cause social issues in the past year, and she was frustrated. She is so bright, and fully capable of the work. I also have learned a bit with Joelle that a move towards independence should be fostered rather than restricted, so Sabrina's well thought out desire to have more independence and bump up a grade was considered seriously. So she will begin ninth grade (rather than 8th) this fall using an online highschool called 'Open Highschool'. I am really thrilled about what I see from openhighschool--and think this will be a great fit for her next year. She will 'own' her education, but she gets to be at home (which she loves--the girl loves her sleep!) and I will be available to help....but I will no longer be picking curriculum or dictating what she does, when.

So in one week, I've become 'jobless'. lol. Eric and I are talking about what to do with my new 'bandwidth'. (I'll never have more time...but with the girls' education not MY focus, I'll have more mental energy to devote to...other thoughts!)

We haven't completely figured everything out--but we're tossing around some ideas.

We'll also be hosting two Chinese students at our house this summer--which should be a blast.

Sabrina will finish orthodontia in July--so that will be a huge relief from being required to drive 500 miles every 8 weeks. I'm glad we did it this way, but I'm even more glad to be DONE.

Happy Spring, everyone! Wish I had a picture to post...but that other New Year's resolution has not been dealt with yet!