Now what?

I bet you're wondering what I'm going to do with all this time on my hands.  Oh, wait--I forgot, you have a life too, so maybe not so much wondering.

Today marks the end of a really interesting season in our home.  In November of 2012, we became expectant of a 3 year old and a 6 year old.  After 603 days, Jadon and Ally became our babies!  I have at least 50 pounds of baby weight to prove it.

It's been a long, crazy season.  Launching teens.  Hosting teens.  Fostering.  Adopting.  Lots of therapy.  Ending our home school years.  Beginning other home school years.

In early June, Eric and I began praying about whether or not we should keep our license.  We've always wanted 5 kids, and we aren't entirely content with the 12-14 year gap between our kid sets.  We had thought we would just hang on to it a few years--see how it goes.  We took a few respite care placements and realized....

We're done.  We're tired.  We're fat.  We're fried.
We want to do more, but we just can't.  And so, we let our 'change the world one kid at a time' magic paper float away.  I cried for one day, and then found incredible relief.  For the first time in years, I stepped back...and began to rest in what our family had become.

And I liked it.  We have four seasons.  We have a spring kid and a summer kid--a fall kid, and one for winter. I began to look around my house--at all of the artwork on the walls depicting the 4 seasons...and I realized that is what God gave us.  Exactly 4 seasons.  Four very different kids in which to love, lead, and release.  Peace settled over me, deeply, and I became content.

Recently, I returned back to Colorado for my cousins wedding, with our littles.  I'll admit--I was feeling fried and wore earphones much of the trip.  I needed to drive.  I piled them into their car seats with 8 hours of snacks and videos.  WAAAYYY in the backseat.  They stopped trying to talk to me after the first 15 minutes.  (horrible, I know--but, well, FRIED.)

So with 16 hours of thinkdriving under my belt, I came to some conclusions.  I want to have lunch with my girls on Fridays like we used to. I want to read my Bible more than once a week.  I want to talk to my Mom at least once a week, in PEACE.   I want to lose weight and regain the ability to hike and enjoy nature with my husband.  I want to get the pictures out of the box--cardboard AND pixeled.  Lastly, I really want to go back to school.  I realized that in all the plate spinning...I had lost one.  Myself.  And it shows.  In my body, in my heart, most of all, in my spirit.

Which means I really don't ever want to home school again.  And that's how we began the mad dash this past two weeks to get Jadon registered for school, and attempt to bump him up a grade.  That was kind of the only way Eric was going to be real happy sending him back.  We are not sure J is ready.  His attachment to us is MUCH better.  But it's not great.  Maybe it never will be.  Would another year home put him at "normal"?  Probably not.

J tested beautifully, and is now a 4th grader, skipping 3rd grade.  I lose one year (plus the 6 I never got.) with him.  Year loss with him always hurts my heart.  Though he's 8, he's such a big boy, and I often feel that this mothering a son thing is slipping by so fast!
Hard choice.   Ally is in first grade.  Bria is a Senior.  Joelle is headed to college.

And that's how it ends up that I'm sitting here, for the first time, in a very LONG time, by myself.  Hoping.  Praying.  Wishing.  Maybe even dreaming.   We'll see how it goes.

Two years ago!

2 years ago, today, is the day that our kids appeared on our doorstep for the first time.

I am an inconsistent blogger, but thankfully, I blogged about that day, before they arrived.
http://heartlostonedayatatime.blogspot.com/2012/11/what-today-brings.html (someone tell me how to link to another blog!??)




On that odd, tragic day of arrival...death and then birth in one...I knew they were the children we had prayed for.  Jay's arrival, especially, felt very much like the deep sleep visions of a little brown child, casually left at my door.  Dreams long since evaporated...  Ally, she was and always will be the unexpected treasure, not looked for, but found precious.

  I will never forget the dawning in my mind, from the moment they walked in the door...that these kids were destined by God to be our kids--I knew it.  We all knew it.  

We laugh about that day--Ally was such a quirky, independent kid.  She believed that her shoes were alive and didn't want to leave her feet.  She was spunky and spirited and gave no indication of the massive devastation in her soul.  Jay's first words were 'where is your X box'.  He ate the food of 3 grown men. For days. Until his bright mind realized that there was no lack anymore.


In these pictures I can see the layers and layers of hardened pain around them--the defenses at full alert, as only their mother could.  It has taken years for these layers to be healed away.  We are finally beginning to see permanent change for good.

Our wonderful caseworker drove to our home in a freak blizzard...but first took the kids out for icecream.  Just getting to our door was an adventure that day.  Jadon didn't have socks.  I don't think he had had socks for a long time.  Both of them needed bathing.  Badly.  And somehow, this didn't bother me.  At all.

I called Eric at work--giving him a lengthy Walmart shopping list.  His coworker Steve went with him--we hadn't had little kids for years--and helped him find snowboots and sippy cups.  We were blessed, then, to be snowed in with them for a few days.
A really hard few days, but days filled with joy, too.

Today, we'll celebrate as a family.  We'll have HotPot, just like we did, those first few days, and I'll probably take the kids to get snowboots, just because that seems like a fun, quirky tradition!

I am thankful for my girls, Joelle and Sabrina who have loved these two fiercer than I could many days.  There were days where all I could see was mess and trauma and work...but they saw brother...and sister, finally!
The girls volunteered to have our family turned upside down, and it hasn't been easy.

I'm thankful to have a husband who matches me in compassion and change-the-worldism, and doesn't have a need for any of my pesky practicality.


Lastly, I'm thankful that God knew exactly who needed to be a Miller.  And more importantly, who the Millers really needed.

How we're getting through summer!

I know it would seem weird that I don't know how to do summer with two grown kids...but our girls were homeschooled, so spring morphed into summer morphed into fall, and I don't think I ever had this sense of making 'the best summer ever'.  That, and we were always travelling, and well...

This is kind of our first "normal" summer.  Last summer, the littles were still so traumatized, and JUST coming out of the 'honeymoon' phase--I think we were just trying to not drown!

I don't know if it's Utah, or if other Moms feel pressure to make each and every day special...but I was feeling really overwhelmed.  Our littles, too, for whatever reason, have a 'Disneyland' mentality that we struggle with a lot.  (have insight?  Do share on that one!)

Anyhow--what is working for us now is to alternate days.  Tuesday and Thursdays I refuse to go anywhere, or figure out anything fun for them--only slight facilitating their own ideas.  M,W,F, I surprise them with the 'fun thing for the day'--pool, a movie, snow cones, ect.  This is helping a lot!  Two days a week, THEY are learning to hunt bugs, self entertain, play in a normal way, do chores, and BE BORED--which I think is so good for them.  And on those other days, we do something great!

I am feeling a lot less frazzled, and they are slowing down, emotionally, and becoming more  appreciative of what we do!

I just wish I had more time with my teens!  Both when they were 5 and 7, and now.  I get the supreme blessing of parenting this age again--but it won't bring any time back with my daughters!

Ode to 2013

I don't ever quite get with the turning of the New Year.  Christmas is always pretty chaotic, and heading into January means ANOTHER birthday and our Anniversary, both somewhat emotional powder kegs.  I would love to say I am SO EXCITED for a new year.  Mostly, I'm tired.

I honestly, at this point, just want calm, quiet.  A clean house.  A not-in-pain knee.  I guess I could say I am in the right now.  Which is probably a good place to be most days.  I guess I'm always afraid if I look too hard into either the past, or the future today, I will lose hope.  My spirit is dry and I am just ready for a) conclusions, and b) fresh air and c) growth.  Honestly, I'm feeling pretty stuck.  Maybe that is what resolutions are for?  Maybe that is what spring is for.

2013 was a crazy year.  Not a bad one, not a great one.  We doubled our family.  Then lost one(Diane).  Headed into Joelle's senior year.  Switched churches, AGAIN.  Bought a vehicle. Teaching Bria how to drive. No animals died, no one went to the hospital, no tragedy befell us.  God is good.  Even if I can't feel his presence any.where. right now.  Joelle turned 18.  Sabrina turned 16.  I turned 40.  Eric went to Korea, twice. And Budapest.   Diane from Korea lived with us. We road the rollercoaster of the court system.   Looking through pictures, last year was GREAT.  So here's to 2014. I guess I can handle a repeat--after all, I survived 2013.   Whether I am ready or not, here it comes!

January, 2013. "40"

Happy Birthday to my cute husband!

Eric turned 45 this year!  Time flies.  The girls thought it really funny when we had to calculate how old he was turning.  Really, after 40, who wants to know!?

We told him to be happy about his cake.  This was his very best effort.

This is Eric pretending to be a rapper.      

 I think this is video of us playing musical chairs.  I don't know why videos do that on our blog.  I think the dog is trying to play too.  I could watch this all day long.  Am I weird?

For a man who hates his birthday, I think we had a pretty fun time!~

Life in General...

Joelle is off to take her ACT for hopefully the last time.  Our dear GuineaPig is quite the impressive young lady.  She is really showing herself to be an adult, and we're proud of her!  A young man invited her to homecoming with a pizza last week.  Hope she has fun.

Sabrina grows in beauty and grace every day.  I really just find great delight in hanging out with her.  She makes and keeps great friends, and she is ever proving her wisdom in life skills to us.  She is ever funny, and has such a good head on her shoulders lately.  I am hoping that there are ACT's in the evening though--I'm not sure she'll survive an 8 am ACT!

Fayzeal is growing.  The pants I bought in August don't fit anymore.  Yesterday, he and a couple of boys piled up leaves in the back yard.  Sometimes I struggle to parent a boy--boys just do weird things--like wack eachother with rakes.  Eric assures me this is normal.

Alissa is...Alissa.  She is on a Thumbelina kick.  I am working on 'small choices' with her.  She has been diagnosed with Oppositional Defiance Disorder.  In other words, she is pretty hard to parent.  I'm doing o.k. with it, as long as we don't have to do anything quickly.  Good things she's cute and funny!  I'm sure anyone over 50 would know of some good cures for ODD. ;)  And they wouldn't call it ODD.  But until she has some permanency in her life, we're just going to have to muddle through with theraputic parenting.

Eric and I are just always looking for ways to find some time together.  Kind of a crazy life.  But good.